Summer Schedule -or- Schedule of Summer

The Gorillas Are Better At Eating, Drinking & Softballing Than Dynakleen -or- Tite Shirt Night Postponed

Forced by vacations, general malaise, and pansy-ass injuries to Gorilla regulars last night, your heroes had to go to an all-Thomas outfield, an unprecedented 5-man infield defense, and a non-pitching pitcher. This is not how we wanted to face our arch-rivals.

Fortunately for us, our arch rivals are retarded and we won easily. Sure, the tying run was on third and the winning run was on first as TDub stretched his TRex-like left arm out to snag a sinking line-drive to end the game. But we had it all the way. We always do.

Then we ate hamburgers and drank 5,000 biers in the parking lot. We won that contest too. But then, we always do.

Gorilla Stats –or- Here Are A Lot Of Numbers

I’ve been super, super busy lately so haven’t had much time to post. And by “super, super busy” I mean “I got a new phone last week and every waking moment has been spent either playing with it or drinking, or both. Usually both.”

So anyway, below are the stats from the first three weeks of the Gorilla Summer. And here’s a major mother fucking announcement: Tomorrow (June 23rd) is Tight Shirt Night! That’s right, kiddos, we’re gonna come out wearing clothes way to small and we’re gonna kick Dynakleen’s ass. Then we’re gonna eat burgers and dogs afterwards in hopes to make said clothes even tighter. It’s gonna be awesome.

6pm game. Pre-game meeting @ 5.

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Lose & Sometimes It Rains -or- D Was Surprisingly Not Injured

With several members of the team either out of town or scheduled to wear a wig and sing 80's hits in a pretentious east-side bar, the Gorillas were gonna be short-handed last Tuesday.

[Cues "Hero" by Mariah Carey.]

The team was in trouble. Something had to be done. But what?

["There's a hero/If you look inside your heart..."]

One man knew. He knew that his family had been called upon in such times for generations. But he didn't know if he could do it.

["...You don't have to be afraid/Of what you are..."]

He went to the old dusty trunk in the garage and began searching frantically. He finally found the box 'neath the white satin Adidas hat with the gold rope across the brim, and resting atop a bed of Taylor Dayne posters. It was a pair brown Eastland loafers: the laces untied but in some fancy swirl thingy, and the soles worn thin.

[...There's an answer/If you reach into your soul/And the sorrow that you know/Will melt away..."]

Yes. He would do it. He had to. For the team. For himself. And for Lou Diamond Phillips. He dug through the same trunk and found a casingle. "My Perogative" by Bobby Brown. This would do the trick.

[And then a hero comes along/With the strength to carry on...]

He went and got his daughters Playskool tape player. (It was still loaded with "Hello" by Lionel Richie from last month when he saw that blind woman at the grocery store. His daughter has, in fact, never heard of a "cassette". The player was in his bedroom.) He donned the shoes, and

cranked the volume on Bobby Brown. And he danced.

["So when you feel like hope is gone/Look inside you and be strong..."]

Slowly at first - after all, he's over-weight and has a bad heart - but then he started to recall the nights of his youth at The Victory. His pace quickened. And soon... it began to rain.

["And finally see the truth/That a hero lies in you"]

Some say it was the "running man" that did it. Some think it was the Kool Moe Dee "wild, wild west". Me, I like to think it was the Kid N Play move where he grabbed his left foot and jumped over his arm with the right.

But one thing is for certain: the Gorillas did not play softball that day. (Game rescheduled for July 29th)

Let's Blow Some Shit Up! -or- We're Not Talking About Our Season

Happy birthday, America.

I'm celebrating the 232nd anniversary of the birth of our country by doing what every intelligent, patriotic and large penised male in the country should be doing: I'm getting drunk, eating read meat, and blowing shit up.

I haven't lost a finger yet, and honestly, I'm a little disappointed in that. But I'll give it another shot tomorrow night and update the blog (slowly) if I do.

If I survive, I think I'll go on another vacation.

What I like to do this time of year is try to get as close to the fucking sun as possible. I also like to wait until gas costs more than cocaine, and then go on a 26 hour driving bender that would make John Belushi's partying habits look like a sewing circle. I also like to try and find a beach to pass out on, so eventually Will Smith will fly in and, thinking I'm a beached ocean mammal, toss me into the water. I also like to run into Pete Rose at a dog track and have him charge me $5 to ask him why he has the haircut of a half-a-retard.

And so I'm going to the only place where I can accomplish all of that: Florida. I'll bring you back some grapefruit or a shark's tooth necklace or something.

Oh yeah, we played a game this week. As you can tell by the picture below, it was a theme night. This week, in honor of Flemwad's return from boyscout camp, it was G.I. Wad Night.

We told everyone to come dressed like Tom does on an average Sunday afternoon at the beach. Ironically, he was the only one that didn't. (Melon's wearing a camouflaged speedo under his uniform.)

Good luck next week without me, boys. I'm sure you'll do great. And by "you'll do great" I mean that you'll lose by 15, drink 4,000 biers and sit around telling lies till midnight.

Celebrity Death Of The Week -or- We're Not Talking About Our Season

There are two names that come up when comedians are asked who they idolize in the business: Richard Pryor, and George Carlin. They're both fucking dead now. So it goes.

Carlin died last week at the age of 71, and ever since there's been a shit load of people saying very nice things about him everywhere you look. They are mostly dumb fucks, they annoy the shit out of me, and I imagine they would've annoyed him even more.

So we're keeping George in our thoughts. Somewhere between "This chair hurts my ass," and "Let's fuck that waitress!"

Of all the funny shit Carlin talked about, one line in particular seems to really apply to the Gashaus Gorillas. "Fuck hope."

Here's the boxscore from last week. Stats will be up in the morning.

I don't know how we're supposed to keep playing softball in a world where there is no Carlin or Vonnegut. But since we don't have much choice, we might as well have a theme night and kick Dynakleen's ass again tomorrow night.

Bring Bier.

Nobody Said Anything About Tight PANTS -or- HA-ha, Gerthy Struck Out. HA-ha!

Some things you just can't un-see. And boy, howdee, did we fill up on the ole' nightmare-fuel on Tuesday night.

Honestly, the picture above just doesn't do justice to how healthy we Gashaus Gorillas have become. And when we say "healthy," we mean, "fat and disgusting."

The picture reminds us of the "good lighting" girl from that Seinfeld episode. In the right lighting, we look pretty money. But if you were to observe, say, a third baseman holding a bat above his head menacingly whilst wearing a shirt about 8 sizes too small... you too would be begging your HMO for Cialis this week.

But hey, you didn't come here to see fat men dressed inappropriately, did you? You did? Well shit. Guess we shoulda taken a few more pictures then. Sorry bout that. We honestly thought you cared how the Gorillas did in their big game this week. But since you obviously don't, we'll just go on about our bi... what? You do want to know? Sweet! Okay...we'll tell ya.

We won.

It was awesome.

You shoulda been there.

Okay, look: we're not gonna bullshit ya. We really have nothing to say. We were gonna write some kind of hilarious post about Tim Donaghy fixing our game, Michael Vick betting on Snyder dying in our game, or Bud Selig deciding not to attend our game... but honestly, we just don't have it in us.

Let's just say it was very exciting, and we are still trying to recover emotionally, as well as physically.

The important thing, tho, is that we were able to put up the picture of the two hot chicks in what we like to think of as softball gear. And when we say "softball gear" we mean... ah, hell... you know what we mean.

Anyways, we beat Dynakleen on Tight Shirt Night, continuing our unbeaten streak on theme nights*. We'll try to continue that this coming Tuesday when we play for the champeenship of the world**.

Dress appropriately, okay?

* - We are not unbeaten on theme nights.

** - Champeenship is only of league. World domination is not total.

(update: D's mom wrote in and pointed out that he was actually 3-3 w/ a walk in the game. We're way too lazy to change the box-score tho. We'll adjust thet stats. Probably.)