Gorilla Stats -or- Mistakes Are Hambone's Fault

Gorilla Stats -or- We Always Win The Parking Lot

Sorry for the lack of a follow up post after the raucus Tight Shirt Night the Gorillas and their fans enjoyed last week. I've just been so busy trying to buy Michael Jackson funeral tickets on the ebays I just didn't have time! I'll get pics up from said TSN as soon as possible.

Gorilla Stats -or- Catcher’s ERA Not Included

Gorilla Stats –or- Here Are A Lot Of Numbers

I’ve been super, super busy lately so haven’t had much time to post. And by “super, super busy” I mean “I got a new phone last week and every waking moment has been spent either playing with it or drinking, or both. Usually both.”

So anyway, below are the stats from the first three weeks of the Gorilla Summer. And here’s a major mother fucking announcement: Tomorrow (June 23rd) is Tight Shirt Night! That’s right, kiddos, we’re gonna come out wearing clothes way to small and we’re gonna kick Dynakleen’s ass. Then we’re gonna eat burgers and dogs afterwards in hopes to make said clothes even tighter. It’s gonna be awesome.

6pm game. Pre-game meeting @ 5.

Gorilla Stats -or- Real American Heroes

Gorilla Stats -or- 2 +3 = 4

*You may notice that we've played five games, but only have stats for four. That is because I'm the only one on the team that can read and write, and I take vacations sometimes.

Gorillas Are Photogenic -or- Gorilla Stats

I've decided not to comment on last Tuesday's game, or the below pictures of hat night, except to relate this tid-bit: When I showed someone these pictures, they said, "Damn, your whole team is getting fat!"

To which I replied, as I believe all Gorillas would have, by saying, "Fuck you. We've been fat."

We'll try to lose a few pounds stomping on some Snakes this Tuesday @ 7:00.

(As usual, click on images to see larger version.)

Gorillas Stats -or- Oh The Humanity!

After awakening Wednesday morning to the New York Post back page headline: "Gorillas' Gruser Goes Gruesomely Lame" I thought it could get no worse for the Gorillas.

I was wrong.

Yes, we had just dropped a game to a bunch of zit-faced bus-boys & bar-backs -- but we'd lost games we should've won before.

Yes, we had just learned that O.G. (Orginal Gorilla) Flemwad had played his last game of the year, as he had been called upon to serve his country -- but it's not like it was Ted Williams going off to fly fighter jets in World War II.

Yes, we had just learned that Busch Light was going to be on sale at Buy Low for $11.99 for a 30 pack this Friday -- oh wait, that was awesome. Disregard that one.

Yes, we knew that Gruser was likely in traction down at the Posey County Veterinarians Clinic, and they probably had shaved his goatee (along with his ass) in emergency surgery -- but it was probably time for a new look for him anyway.

No, what made it even worse, was the telegraph we got from the team doctor later that morning:

"Snyder has broken wrist (again.) Stop.
Will be out 4 to 6 weeks (again.) Stop.
Will likely ignore rehab and stretch injury and whining about it out for a year (again.) Stop.
It was Beans' fault. Stop."

I remember exactly where I was when I read that telegraph again and again. I stood naked eating a bagel in the company kitchenette. A pained look came across my face. I burrowed my brow. I fought back a tear. And I thought to myself, "I really, really gotta remember to get to Buy Low on Friday and load up on Blue Yummies."

So anyway, yah we effectively lost 3 Gorillas in one shitty loss this week past. The MRI results have not come back yet from McGru, but we expect he'll be out for a while, and will probably have to play with one of those cones around his neck to keep him from gnawing on his leg when he does come back.

Luckily, we had a roster of 412 guys this year. Now we're down to eleven. And one of those is Baumgart, who is just an awkward nap at 2 o'clock on a Thursday away from having a back transplant.

Roster moves may be on the horizon for the Gorillas.

Gorilla Stats -or- Red Rockets? More Like Red ASSES! HAHAHA!!!1!ONE!!@~!!

Gorilla Fall Stats

Gorilla Stats -or- Your Grandma Thinks We're Hot

It's probably obvious to everyone by now... but we thought we'd remind you one more time: The Gashaus Gorillas are the shit.

You can tell because your Granny is holding the two trophies (in two tries) that we've already won this year. More proof is the video here, showing the crowd going nuts as JT hit a bomb in the championship game. (Turn your sound down - the screeching goes straight thru your soul.)

So two down, and two to go. First, the Evansville Parks and Crap Men's Softball tournament. It's a wonderful event in which we'll play games using unbelievably shitty balls on even shittier fields officiated by shittier-still umpires. It'll be awesome.

After that, we'll start dominating some poor fall league under similar conditions.

And all this as we're way past our prime. You can tell that by the stats below. Ugh.

No Jacket Required -or- If Your Train's On Time, You Can Get To Work By Nine

The question is as old as sport itself. Does chemistry lead to winning, or the other way around? Maybe it works both ways.

Or maybe they don't have any effect on each other at all.

To make a case for that, one needs to look no further than your beloved Gashaus Gorillas. We will be vying for an incredible sixth straight league title this Tuesday night. Very Atlanta Braves-esque. And honestly, we can't stand each other. Hell, we wouldn't trust a single one of these fuckers with our: 14 year old sister, truck for the weekend, home telephone number or bier.

But if there's anything you can trust the Gorillas to do, it's find a way to win ballgames. Well, actually, it's drink bier. But after that it's find a way to win ballgames.

This is a Gorilla team that started the season a very depressing 1-4. We weren't hitting, we weren't fielding, and we weren't winning.

We needed a spark.

Sensing this, Carlos Zambrano punched his idiot catcher in the face. Since then, the Gorillas have won five straight games. Proof, once again, that Big Z is what we like to call, "the balls."

All that's left for us to do is come out this Tuesday evening for our 9:00 p.m. (cst) game and take care of business. You know what that means. Theme night.

Shirt and tie required for this formal event boys. Workman-like effort is called for. Well, white collar workman-like effort. Let's not get crazy and hurt ourselves.

We win the game, we win the champeenship.

And maybe we'll even build a little chemistry while we're at it.

Gorilla Stats As Of July 18th

Gorilla Stats

*Yes, you're reading this right. The Gorillas have played eight games, but only have stats for 7 of them. The dog ate the stats for the lost game. We lost it anyway, so fuck it.

Gorilla Stats as of July 4th

Gorilla Stats (as of June 20th)

Gorilla Stats as of June 13, 2007

Gorilla Stats as of June 6th

Gorilla Stats as of 5/23/07