The Camera Adds Ten Pounds -or- Cheezborger! Cheezborger! Cheezborger!

As we sit around and wait for John Smoltz to throw lots of crappy pitches in Barry Bonds' general direction, we can't help but contemplate the changes that occur naturally in one's body.

Some of these here Gorillas are in our mid-to-upper 30's - about the age Bonds was when he started growing like a 16 year old penis at a school dance - and I think it's safe to assume, as the photo to the right surely tells you, that many of us may not be as, um, small as we once were.

And yet, oddly, we are rarely accused of using performance enhancing drugs.

Sure, we're not exactly what you would call "cut." Perhaps we're not "in shape." Maybe we're not even what those quack doctors would call "healthy." But hey, we're still pretty money. Yes, it's true that an unnamed Gorilla recently got a little winded playing MLB '07 - "The Show", but that could happen to anyone, with those new fangled joysticks.

So what are the differences between your typical Gorilla (pictured above) and the Sultan of Sulk? Surly-ness? C'mon, even on nights that Big Al isn't on the mound, we still lead the league in yelling at 20-something blond kids that should be playing indoor soccer. Hat size? Ahem. World - Derek. Derek - world. Hitting skills? Perhaps you've seen our professional hitter roaming right-center field. Skin tone? Why do u think Ronnie is on the squad? Okay, your right, it's because he always has a bottle of crown. But hey, he's black, so we're calling this one a tie too.

So that leaves home runs. We suppose we'll have to concede that one. Even though we play in considerably smaller ball parks where people throw the ball underhand to us, we aren't quite on the pace of the man Berman calls "U.S." I think we all know why that is. Between shitty bats, even shittier balls, and our beloved Parks N Rec moving the goddam fences back at Iglerock - we've not exactly had a great power year, and it is costing us offensively.

And yet, as we noted last week, we're in a prime position to win our sixth straight league title. So we really should, u know, take this next game seriously. Right?

Ah, fuck that. Instead, lets wear shirts that are way to fucking tight, and try to drink 10 biers each before the 6 p.m. start.

Then after the game we'll throw some burgers on a grill - just to prove that we're not juicing, and to avoid any rumors about the early stages of the mental illness that is anorexia. (And no, that's not a disease. We're not gonna call something a disease when the cure costs less than $6 at Burger King.)

Let the chips (and dip) fall where they may. But at the end of tomorrow night, we will have had a helluva time, took some funny pictures, and, hopefully, won a big ball game.

Then on Wednesday, we're totally starting our diet.

NOW we go! -or- "Hello $6.50 bier. I've missed you."

So, you may have noticed that updates, game recaps, and hilarity have been a little, um, lacking 'round these parts lately.

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Well, The Gorillas have been blowing the proverbial dog thus far this Summer... and we just haven't had much to say. Then Rod Beck goes and dies, and on Rod Beck Tribute Night we get rained out. (And how ironic that Shooter would die so close to Rod Beck Tribute Night! What? Oh.) So things may seem a little... depressing.

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But perk up, kiddies! There's good news!

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As we type this, the New(!) and Improved(!) Team Bat is on a FedEx truck - bound for delivery to our palatial estate on Evansville's Beautiful West Side.

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We are sooo gonna hit some bombs come next Tuesday. And this time by "bombs" we don't mean "sac flies 10 feet short of the fence."

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Also: some of us are going to be heading out of town shortly, en route to the greatest place on earth. Of course, I'm speaking of the Bud Light Bleachers in the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. Big series with the Brew Crew this weekend and we're gonna enjoy the hell out of it.

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Somebody should dvr the games, because we totally plan on getting wasted and running out to the pitchers mound to ask a crappy Cubs reliever, "What the fuck are you doing?"

His Mudder Was A Mudder -or- Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Lose, And Sometimes...It Rains.

As we sit around waiting to lose massive amounts of money betting on horseys to run real fast in circles (we like Dominican in the Derby), we thought we'd update a curious nation, clamoring for knowledge of the goings-ons and where-abouts of their heroes: The Gashaus Gorillas.

Thus far this spring, the Gorillas have battled an inconsistent Mother Nature (sub 40 degree weather, and two rain-outs) an inconsistent roster ("girlfriends" birthday's and "work" functions @ 7 o'clock at night), and inconsistent play.

The Gorillas, though, are undaunted, unaffected, and mostly un-sobered. An impressive 9 players showed up for an obviously rained-out game this Wednesday past. We were nearly moved to tears.

But having good chemistry and plenty of bier in the clubhaus is not enough. The Gorillas stand at 4-2 with four games left in spring play. The 2 games this coming Wednesday (oddly, @ 7&8 p.m.) are against the current league leaders, and are must wins.

So show up early. Bring your rain-gear. Sport your Gorilla colors. And be ready to kick some ass. This is the stuff from which past Gorilla Legends have been created, and the stuff that Gorillas of the future will talk about during rain delays on cold April nights.

And bring bier.

Orlando Just Got Fatter -or- Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen..

As we look back on the week that was, we are saddened and appalled by a sub-par, at best, performance this week from the Gorillas. Even as their founder and CEO sat idly by drinking their beers; they tried their best. Well, I guess their best wasn't good enough because they lost. After a day of emails and scurrying to round up a roster of players that didn't suck, a tall task; the Gorillas showed up 11 strong w/ two gimps and a pimp in tow. Gerthy made a much anticipated fall appearance after lengthy contract negotiations and a formal invite.

They say speed kills, but I tell you ladies and gents that's a lie. To use the band that everyone knows but can't name one song, "Gravity Kills". And fellas, we have a LOT of gravity on this team. Although the new found speed on the team was inspiring by the young Swain (no relation), once again the lack of a quality closer in the late innings did us in. I hear Hoffman's available.

In unrelated news, TDub has informed us his "team" has won their first game in Orlando at U-Trip worlds. We attempted to get a quote from the "big guy" but much like Mantle's, we are unable to print it due to FCC regulations. A reliable source, who wished to remane nameless, said he asked directions to the nearest strip club with a pizza buffett upon landing. Again, unconfirmed.

As Hemmingway once passed off as his own (probably stole it from Steve Allen): "Although the sun may set, fear not because tomorrow the sun also rises." Truly inspiring.

Happy Birthday!!! -or- Can He Play Shortstop?

Being good Catholics, the Wannemu...'s plan on having 15 children. They are well on their way with the birth of their 2nd (in 3 years) son, born the morning of the August 25th. We are told by sources close to the strappin' lad that both mother and child are healthy, happy, and wearing funny looking hospital garb.

As of this writing a name had not yet been decided upon (they only had 9 months to think about it) so please vote on the poll in the sidebar and help them pick a good one.

Tho the proud papa could not give us a favorite in the names race, he did intimate that the boy will bat left and throw right, has a cannon of an arm, and should be prime for his Gorilla debut in the spring of 2024.

Here's the boy with his big bro, JDub:

Props to the mama, MDub, who we know to be a kind and wise mother despite the poor judgement she's shown in sleeping w/ TDub at least twice.

Stay tuned, kids. Wannemu... Child version 3.0 is due for release sometime in early 2008.

Update (2pm CST): Rumor is a name has (finally) been decided upon. Hayden (Haden? Heyden? Whatever) Michael Wannemuehler (there. I spelled it out.) it is. Go ahead and vote on the poll... maybe they'll change their minds.

What's In A Name?

Wait, u mean there are others who watched Bugs Bunny cartoons when they were kids? You mean we are not the only ones who've used the moniker? Get outta here. Other softball teams too? Seriously?

Well shit. We can't have that.

So today we o-fisha-lee announce the change of our name. Due to our deep-rooted German-Catholic heritage, (at least three of us are German and/or Catholic) and our intense love for bier stubes, we are changing the team name, and thus the name of this here blog, to Gashaus Gorillas.

Props to Deezal - sorry... Al - for the rare clever suggestion.

So Far, So Good.

Hello, and welcome to the o-fishal Gashouse Gorilla Softball Blog. The Gorillas hope to entertain and inform in the coming months as the journey of this truly, um, unique group of guys continues.

The Gorillas are not gonna waste a lot of time giving back-ground for those of you who have stumbled across this site and have no idea who the hell we are. If you really want to know, keep checking back here, and we're sure you'll get a good idea, and perhaps a belly-laugh or two. Honestly, the Gorillas do not care if you come back or not. We're just trying to entertain ourselves.

The picture above is a sample of the kind of crap we pull in a normal season. Last year's Taking Care of Business Nite. We, of course, continued w/ the Theme Night tradition this year, and pics will be turning up here soon.

The Gorillas admit that we're a little late in the game getting this here blog up and running. We've already ran thru a Spring league (undefeated, thanyouverymuch) and are nearing the end of the Summer league. Fear not, there will be a Fall league and plenty of shenanigans to babble on about.

If you've been lucky enough to check out our our old website, you probably realize we're pretty cool. And if you've always wanted to be able talk a little shit to us, well, this will be like Christmas to you, only shittier. If you've never seen our old site, go check it out using the link - but unfortunately, a lot of the funnier stuff was lost in a computer burp by the Bravehost. Coupled w/ the highly requested comments option Blogger has, this is why we're now on this here blog instead of a snazzy "website." We'll still be using the website for the stats - at least until someone can tell us how the hell to get them from an excell spreadsheet onto this here blog.

Check back soon, kiddies. Or don't. We don't really give a shit. But we can promise you, things will be at least slightly more interesting than this drivel.