No Jacket Required -or- If Your Train's On Time, You Can Get To Work By Nine

The question is as old as sport itself. Does chemistry lead to winning, or the other way around? Maybe it works both ways.

Or maybe they don't have any effect on each other at all.

To make a case for that, one needs to look no further than your beloved Gashaus Gorillas. We will be vying for an incredible sixth straight league title this Tuesday night. Very Atlanta Braves-esque. And honestly, we can't stand each other. Hell, we wouldn't trust a single one of these fuckers with our: 14 year old sister, truck for the weekend, home telephone number or bier.

But if there's anything you can trust the Gorillas to do, it's find a way to win ballgames. Well, actually, it's drink bier. But after that it's find a way to win ballgames.

This is a Gorilla team that started the season a very depressing 1-4. We weren't hitting, we weren't fielding, and we weren't winning.

We needed a spark.

Sensing this, Carlos Zambrano punched his idiot catcher in the face. Since then, the Gorillas have won five straight games. Proof, once again, that Big Z is what we like to call, "the balls."

All that's left for us to do is come out this Tuesday evening for our 9:00 p.m. (cst) game and take care of business. You know what that means. Theme night.

Shirt and tie required for this formal event boys. Workman-like effort is called for. Well, white collar workman-like effort. Let's not get crazy and hurt ourselves.

We win the game, we win the champeenship.

And maybe we'll even build a little chemistry while we're at it.

Nobody Said Anything About Tight PANTS -or- HA-ha, Gerthy Struck Out. HA-ha!

Some things you just can't un-see. And boy, howdee, did we fill up on the ole' nightmare-fuel on Tuesday night.

Honestly, the picture above just doesn't do justice to how healthy we Gashaus Gorillas have become. And when we say "healthy," we mean, "fat and disgusting."

The picture reminds us of the "good lighting" girl from that Seinfeld episode. In the right lighting, we look pretty money. But if you were to observe, say, a third baseman holding a bat above his head menacingly whilst wearing a shirt about 8 sizes too small... you too would be begging your HMO for Cialis this week.

But hey, you didn't come here to see fat men dressed inappropriately, did you? You did? Well shit. Guess we shoulda taken a few more pictures then. Sorry bout that. We honestly thought you cared how the Gorillas did in their big game this week. But since you obviously don't, we'll just go on about our bi... what? You do want to know? Sweet! Okay...we'll tell ya.

We won.

It was awesome.

You shoulda been there.

Okay, look: we're not gonna bullshit ya. We really have nothing to say. We were gonna write some kind of hilarious post about Tim Donaghy fixing our game, Michael Vick betting on Snyder dying in our game, or Bud Selig deciding not to attend our game... but honestly, we just don't have it in us.

Let's just say it was very exciting, and we are still trying to recover emotionally, as well as physically.

The important thing, tho, is that we were able to put up the picture of the two hot chicks in what we like to think of as softball gear. And when we say "softball gear" we mean... ah, hell... you know what we mean.

Anyways, we beat Dynakleen on Tight Shirt Night, continuing our unbeaten streak on theme nights*. We'll try to continue that this coming Tuesday when we play for the champeenship of the world**.

Dress appropriately, okay?

* - We are not unbeaten on theme nights.

** - Champeenship is only of league. World domination is not total.

(update: D's mom wrote in and pointed out that he was actually 3-3 w/ a walk in the game. We're way too lazy to change the box-score tho. We'll adjust thet stats. Probably.)

The Camera Adds Ten Pounds -or- Cheezborger! Cheezborger! Cheezborger!

As we sit around and wait for John Smoltz to throw lots of crappy pitches in Barry Bonds' general direction, we can't help but contemplate the changes that occur naturally in one's body.

Some of these here Gorillas are in our mid-to-upper 30's - about the age Bonds was when he started growing like a 16 year old penis at a school dance - and I think it's safe to assume, as the photo to the right surely tells you, that many of us may not be as, um, small as we once were.

And yet, oddly, we are rarely accused of using performance enhancing drugs.

Sure, we're not exactly what you would call "cut." Perhaps we're not "in shape." Maybe we're not even what those quack doctors would call "healthy." But hey, we're still pretty money. Yes, it's true that an unnamed Gorilla recently got a little winded playing MLB '07 - "The Show", but that could happen to anyone, with those new fangled joysticks.

So what are the differences between your typical Gorilla (pictured above) and the Sultan of Sulk? Surly-ness? C'mon, even on nights that Big Al isn't on the mound, we still lead the league in yelling at 20-something blond kids that should be playing indoor soccer. Hat size? Ahem. World - Derek. Derek - world. Hitting skills? Perhaps you've seen our professional hitter roaming right-center field. Skin tone? Why do u think Ronnie is on the squad? Okay, your right, it's because he always has a bottle of crown. But hey, he's black, so we're calling this one a tie too.

So that leaves home runs. We suppose we'll have to concede that one. Even though we play in considerably smaller ball parks where people throw the ball underhand to us, we aren't quite on the pace of the man Berman calls "U.S." I think we all know why that is. Between shitty bats, even shittier balls, and our beloved Parks N Rec moving the goddam fences back at Iglerock - we've not exactly had a great power year, and it is costing us offensively.

And yet, as we noted last week, we're in a prime position to win our sixth straight league title. So we really should, u know, take this next game seriously. Right?

Ah, fuck that. Instead, lets wear shirts that are way to fucking tight, and try to drink 10 biers each before the 6 p.m. start.

Then after the game we'll throw some burgers on a grill - just to prove that we're not juicing, and to avoid any rumors about the early stages of the mental illness that is anorexia. (And no, that's not a disease. We're not gonna call something a disease when the cure costs less than $6 at Burger King.)

Let the chips (and dip) fall where they may. But at the end of tomorrow night, we will have had a helluva time, took some funny pictures, and, hopefully, won a big ball game.

Then on Wednesday, we're totally starting our diet.

Gorilla Stats As Of July 18th

July 17th Boxscore -or- Craptastic!

Being craptacular is not something to be all that proud of. But sometimes you can be crapilific, and still be just good enough to keep hopes up. The Chicago Cubs have proven that many times over the course of our lifetime.

The Gashaus Gorillas are on a quest to prove it as well, only on a more local, bullshit softball league kinda way. Actually, the many tiers of crapstandingness the Gorillas have touched this year - while somehow still staying quasi-relative - is somewhat impressive.

The game this Tuesday past was no exception. Three Gorillas didn't even bother showing up. BK claimed he was "working," which we took to mean he was looking up cartoon porn on a library computer in Boonville. McGru didn't call, but we can only assume he was drying his "Vegas Is For Lovas" shirt over and over. We don't know where the hell D was, but we're pretty sure he wasn't exercising there.

Knowing this, we postponed Tight Shirt Nite 'till next week so we could enjoy their meaty-midsection wonderfulness again this year. So one would think, without distractions or restrictive clothing, the Gorillas would've been ready to bust loose and put up a 20 spot on some unsuspecting punks with so little imagination they took their name from a crappy movie about dodge ball. One would be wrong.

Instead we were craptastic (some more than others) - yet good enough to win. Didn't see that coming, did ya?

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We continued to roll in crapola after the game as we, for some reason, listened to a poker game on the radio. (Next week we're bringing in a taped recording of the British Open.) Then we ran out of bier and went home not drunk enough to be funny or get laid by our chics, but plenty buzzed to draw attention from Jonny Law. The theme continues.

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It has truly been a mediocre year. So imagine our surprise when we looked up the standings for our league... and found that we have still been good enough to have a chance to win the fucker.

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The Gorillas currently stand at 5-4, and it took a goddam miracle four-game winning streak to get there. Yet we are a scant 1/2 a game behind Dynakleen (who, at 5-3, has a rain-out to make up), and tied with a team we don't particularily like, El Diablo.

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We have two games left. We play Dynakleen this Tuesday. It's Tight Shirt Night. It would seem to us that the only thing left to do, as Jake said in Major League, is "win the whole fucking thing."

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That wouldn't be so craptastic, would it?

Gorilla Stats

*Yes, you're reading this right. The Gorillas have played eight games, but only have stats for 7 of them. The dog ate the stats for the lost game. We lost it anyway, so fuck it.

July 10th Boxscore - or - Hat Trick

There are few things that please a crowd like a Gashaus Gorilla Theme Night. Sure, some consider it old hat*. Some might think the attention is getting to our heads*. Some claim that we've officialy flipped our lids*. But at the end of the day, they just have to tip their caps* and admit we are the coolest goddam thing since Dr. Seuss.
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This week we played a game against a team called El Diablo or some gay shit. They annoyed us greatly. They still annoy us. They are the reason we have five goddam 6 p.m. games this summer. For some reason they just had to play all their games @ 8. Fuck them.
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They had beaten us by a score of 15-12 earlier in the year. Fuck them.

They are a bunch of kids who round bases too far, throw behind runners, and slide into defensless cowboys on the basepaths. Fuck them.
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Little did they know that we never lose on theme nights**. Still, we needed all the Gorilla Theme Night Magic we could muster. The game went extra innings after a bottom of the 7th that was like a train wreck, only in the middle a woman gets raped and has a forced abortion. That is to say, it was pretty shitty to watch. But the Gorillas are nothing if not clutch (fat, slow, alcoholic and funny-looking), and on this night we were just clutch enough and gritted out a win.

Fuck them.
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The win gets us back to the .500 mark, after a decidedly shitty start, and gives us some hope of at least making things moderately interesting in the league.
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The next order of bidness is deciding what our theme night will be next week. The obvious choices are available, and new ideas are welcome. Throw your suggestion in the comments, or send an e-mail, and we'll put up a poll this weekend to decide.
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Our next game is @ 7 p.m. against "The Snakes" - an equally gay team name, and a team that I think beat us last time. I suspect we don't like them either.
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Fuck them.
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* - Not true
** - Not true

Gorilla Stats as of July 4th

July 3rd Boxscore

Gorilla Stats (as of June 20th)

June 19th - Box Score

Gonna try to catch up on the stats today.... (soft)

NOW we go! -or- "Hello $6.50 bier. I've missed you."

So, you may have noticed that updates, game recaps, and hilarity have been a little, um, lacking 'round these parts lately.

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Well, The Gorillas have been blowing the proverbial dog thus far this Summer... and we just haven't had much to say. Then Rod Beck goes and dies, and on Rod Beck Tribute Night we get rained out. (And how ironic that Shooter would die so close to Rod Beck Tribute Night! What? Oh.) So things may seem a little... depressing.

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But perk up, kiddies! There's good news!

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As we type this, the New(!) and Improved(!) Team Bat is on a FedEx truck - bound for delivery to our palatial estate on Evansville's Beautiful West Side.

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We are sooo gonna hit some bombs come next Tuesday. And this time by "bombs" we don't mean "sac flies 10 feet short of the fence."

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Also: some of us are going to be heading out of town shortly, en route to the greatest place on earth. Of course, I'm speaking of the Bud Light Bleachers in the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. Big series with the Brew Crew this weekend and we're gonna enjoy the hell out of it.

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Somebody should dvr the games, because we totally plan on getting wasted and running out to the pitchers mound to ask a crappy Cubs reliever, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Celebrity Death O' The Week - or - Shooter Takes A Tough Loss

September 28th, 1998. Cubs are up 5-3 over the Giants. It's the top of the 9th inning. They had started that inning up 5-1. Now there are two runners in, two runners on base, and only one out. .
This game is a one-game playoff with the Giants to win the NL wild card. As some of you may know - the Cubs, they just don't get to go to the playoffs all that often. Not often at all.
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And so there are 30-some odd thousand people standing in the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. 24-some odd thousand of them are convinced that the ghost of a billy-goat will distract Kevin Orie enough that he'll miss an easy ground ball (just as had happened in the 3rd inning on May 6th, costing Kerry Wood a no-hitter in perhaps the most dominate game ever thrown by a pitcher) that will lead to another horribly depressing loss.

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20-some odd thousand people were saying, either to themselves or the drunk Trixie next to them, "Sosa hits 20 homeruns in June, and 66 this year...and these bums are gonna blow it anyway."

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11-some odd thousand people began sobbing, getting an early start on the inevitable and trying to beat the crowd.

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8 people relaxed - knowing the game was in hand.

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One of those 8 faithful was a fat guy with unruly facial hair and a mullet. And at this moment, he was running from the left field bullpen towards the mound. All 30-some odd thousand people must have thought it was rather odd, that a fat guy would run like this - in such a hurry to face the Giants #4 & 5 hitters, in such a taxing situation.

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The fat guy stood bent over on the hill, his right arm dangling and swaying in the breeze. He scowled at Jeff Kent. He threw a pitch: slow and crooked. Ground ball to short. Force out @ 2nd. Two down.

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Next, he scowled at Joe Carter, who had a history of heroics. He threw a pitch: slower and more crooked still. Pop-up to 1st base.

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Up in heaven, Harry Caray yelled, "Cubs Win! Cubs Win! Cubs Win!"

Somewhere right now, Harry's drinking a Bud. Shooter's drinking a Coors Light. They're talking baseball.

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Rod "Shooter" Beck was found dead in his apartment this Saturday past. So it goes.

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If you don't know the story of how Shooter spent his time @ AAA Iowa, on the comeback trail in 2003, then go read this article.

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He was what we all would like to think we would be if we somehow had the talent and balls to be a major league baseball star. He was what the Gorillas are all about.

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Update: Apparantly, Shooter was buried in a Cub uniform, even though he was only with the team for two years. There is still no information on the cause of his death.

Gorilla Stats as of June 13, 2007

Boxscore, June 12th, 2007

Gorilla Stats as of June 6th

June 5th Boxscore

Gorilla Stats as of 5/23/07

Box-score 5/22/07

2007 Summer League Schedule

We just realized that we never posted the summer league schedule. We blame Ryan Dempster & Neal Cotts.

All games are on Tuesday nights at Iglehart field.

May 15th - 6pm vs. Eville Deamons (L 23-13)
May 22nd - 6pm vs. Dyna Kleen
May 29th - 7pm vs. Red Rockets
June 5th - 8pm vs. el Diablo
June 12th - 6pm vs. The Snakes
June 19th - 6pm vs. Eville Deamons
June 26th - 6pm vs Dyna Kleen
July 3rd - 7pm vs. Red Rockets
July 10th - 8pm vs. El Diablo
July 17th - 7pm vs. The Snakes
July 24th - Rain Date
July 31st - Championship night 8pm game.

We'll update Theme Nights here as we schedule them.