Summer Schedule -or- Schedule of Summer

Vote For Bier! -or- Democracy Blows

URGENT MESSAGE FOR ALL GORILLAS AND GORILLAS SUPPORTERS!

You may or may not know that tomorrow is some sort of bullshit “election day.” Yes, I realize that if you are reading this blog, you likely don't vote.

But I disagree! You see, you DO vote... AT THE LIQOUR STORE. And tomorrow, game day, the muthachuckin liquor stores are CLOSED till 6pm. And, seeing as we play at 6pm, the pre-game meeting is @ 5. That's BEFORE the liquor stores close! OMFG!

I will be sending a class three emergency text shortly, so as not to leave any Gorilla unawares. We use the same system as schools do when there’s some Lord Of The Rings nerd shootin’ up the joint for class three emergencies. In class four emergencies we actually rob a liquor store and rape school teachers. Mostly the female ones. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry, it’s only happened like three or four times in all of the years we’ve been playing.

So anyways, yah, you better go get bier tonight.

Sexy Update (Live From "Erection Day"):

Last night, in my never-ending efforts to make sure you I drink enough to be able to deal with life hit bombs, I went to a bier-selling establishment - we'll call it, oh, I dunno, "West Side Liquor" - to buy some bier for today. At said establishment, an employee - we'll call him "Bill" - told me that they will not, in fact, be closed today! He said there's some new law and now they can sell bier on days when I wasn't gonna vote anyway.

So there you go, you have absolutely no excuse to show up without bier tonight. Woohoo!

Spring Gorilla Schedule -or- Softball Makes Me Thirsty

A New Era -or- Manifesto, Motherfucker

Another season is upon us, and the Gorillas are fired up and ready to go mildly interested.

Along with the new season, dawns a new era for your favorite drunken softball team. A new policy has been announced for the manner in which personell and line-up construction is handled. It follows:

For games that start at 6pm, I will be at the field around 5:10ish. For all other games, I will generally be there around 6. I will then begin drinking bier. Jeff & TDub will usually be there around the time I get there. I do not care who else will be there or what time they get there. You are welcome to play from now on if you have ever played for the Gorillas and have not 1) brought a chick to the game and then offered "finger in the butt for a dollar" played catcher & flipped off the pitcher 2) Not paid your part for the league not once, but twice.

When & if you show up, write your name on the line-up card (pictured above-right) in the spot you think you should bat. I don't care if we have 17 or 6 guys. If we do not have enough to play I will continue to sit in my chair and drink bier. If you are not going to be there and are concerned about it, I suppose you could ask someone to go in your stead. Or you could tell someone on the team. Someone other than me, for I will still not care. If you are not sure you want to play for the Gorillas, you could tell someone on the team - someone other than me - so they might invite one of the several people that DO want to play for the Gorillas.

My only concern this year is that you bring bier. I am an alcoholic and it is quite expensive for me to buy bier for me to drink in excess the other 6 days, let alone buy enough for you on Tuesdays.

Lastly, I'd like to thank our sponsor, Verville Construction. We are going to try to raise a little money to buy equipment by selling door knockers that are exact scale sculptures of the main motherfucker at Verville Construction. They are $100 and pictured here.

Thank you, and God Bless America, the Gashaus Gorillas, and our collective balls.

Are We There Yet? -or- Why Are You Reading This?

Well, another Gashaus Gorillas season is (finally) coming to an end.   And it was a (fairly) successful year.  I mean, hell, we won our Spring League.  We wore tight shirts.  We completely abandoned giving a shit about this blog. We saw Jeff’s windshield get broken.  We’re on the brink of (allegedly) winning our Fall League.  Hell, that’s a decent year, right? 

But, we can’t really wrap the thing up till we show our appreciation to our sponsor by getting drunk at their place of business.

 

So THIS Friday night that’s what we’re gonna do.  So if you ever played for the Gorillas… if you ever drank bier with the Gorillas… hell if you’ve ever read this blog (and really, I have no idea why you’re even reading this now) then you are invited.  We’re starting with a $10 poker game @ 6 in which the good folks at Verville Construction have generously decided to match the pot.  After that there will be a virtual smorgasboard of contest in which you could win some cash and the undying love an adoration of a bunch of fat drunk guys. 

It’ll be the perfect ending to the year.

Sorry for the lack of a follow up post after the raucus Tight Shirt Night the Gorillas and their fans enjoyed last week. I've just been so busy trying to buy Michael Jackson funeral tickets on the ebays I just didn't have time! I'll get pics up from said TSN as soon as possible.

Time To Show Some Cleavage -or- Be A Good Gorilla

It’s obviously been a tough week, what with the passing of Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays and, of course, Fred Travalena.  But the Gorillas are a resilient bunch.  And while we pass the time till we can go to Club Royale Wednesday night, where BK will pay tribute to Mr. Travalena by doing the same bit he did on Johnny Carson back in ‘82 -- “Wouldn’t it be wild if Jack Nicholson worked at a gas station? I think it’d go a little like this…” [turns back to crowd and shapes his face with his hands…] –- the Gorillas are gonna do something fun.  And no, we don’t mean what this guy did.  This week IS Tight Shirt Night!  Seriously!

And as if that weren’t huge enough, it’s also the night we’re going to collect items that we will send to our militant/absentee left fielder, who is currently telling stories of three-legged dogs and dick-snippin ducks to some Iraqi kid who can’t understand a word he says.  (Which happens to be the only thing we have in common with that Iraqi kid.)  That’s right, the Sgt. Flemwad care package goes out this week so if you haven’t gotten something to send him yet then do so before tomorrow.  (Call me or Baumgart if you need suggestions.)  We’ll also be taking a picture to send with a card that we can all sign or piss on or something.

So all of you Gorillas (past and present) and all of you  Gorilla Groupies out there, please come out to Iglerock tomorrow and show your support by wearing a shirt way to fucking small.  It’s what master impressionists and vegas head-liner Fred Travalena would want.  It’s what TV pitchman Billy Mays would want.  It’s what hot piece of ass right till the end Farrah Fawcett would want.  But most importantly, it’s what God and I want.

Gorilla Stats -or- Catcher’s ERA Not Included

The Gorillas Are Better At Eating, Drinking & Softballing Than Dynakleen -or- Tite Shirt Night Postponed

Forced by vacations, general malaise, and pansy-ass injuries to Gorilla regulars last night, your heroes had to go to an all-Thomas outfield, an unprecedented 5-man infield defense, and a non-pitching pitcher. This is not how we wanted to face our arch-rivals.

Fortunately for us, our arch rivals are retarded and we won easily. Sure, the tying run was on third and the winning run was on first as TDub stretched his TRex-like left arm out to snag a sinking line-drive to end the game. But we had it all the way. We always do.

Then we ate hamburgers and drank 5,000 biers in the parking lot. We won that contest too. But then, we always do.

Gorilla Stats –or- Here Are A Lot Of Numbers

I’ve been super, super busy lately so haven’t had much time to post. And by “super, super busy” I mean “I got a new phone last week and every waking moment has been spent either playing with it or drinking, or both. Usually both.”

So anyway, below are the stats from the first three weeks of the Gorilla Summer. And here’s a major mother fucking announcement: Tomorrow (June 23rd) is Tight Shirt Night! That’s right, kiddos, we’re gonna come out wearing clothes way to small and we’re gonna kick Dynakleen’s ass. Then we’re gonna eat burgers and dogs afterwards in hopes to make said clothes even tighter. It’s gonna be awesome.

6pm game. Pre-game meeting @ 5.

Pitcher Gives Up One Too Many Hits -or- Oopsie

A typical Tuesday night for the Gorillas can involve lots of hits, a few breaks and an occasional curse word. Sometimes the hits are off our bats as we’re lighting up some unsuspecting team that probably sent Ryan Seacrest a bunch of texts about Adam Lambert. Sometimes the break involves somebody pissing us off enough that we actually play hard. Sometimes we listen to a lot of Prince songs. Sometimes we get our asses kicked, say “gosh dammit” a few times and take it out on our chics dogs when we get home.

Last night there was a hit, a break, and a bunch of curse words that involved this.

Gorilla Stats -or- Ew

Gorilla Stats -or- Thank Gawd For Stellar Defense

(You can also view the stats via the link on the side bar.)

Gorilla Schedule -or- Summer Bettern Others

That chic there?  That’s Summer Sanders.  She has nothing to do with anything, except that she’s the only girl whose name is “Summer” that I could think of.

That schedule below?  That’s the Gorillas Summer schedule.  That has everything to do with everything.  We start this Tuesday against the team we beat in the Spring League Champeenship.  I don’t remember real well, but I think we might dislike them.  I mean, the odds are pretty good that we dislike them, right?

Bring Bier.

Gorilla Announcement -or- Greetings From The Ville

As you all probably know, the Gorillas have been on a bit of an hiatus whilst parks-n-rec tries to catch up from the 40 days of rain we recently had here in the taint of America, Evansville, IN.  And without the usual sport-like activities - and the accompanying “drinking of a thousand biers” – on Tuesday nights we haven’t exactly had a lot to write about on the ole Gorilla Blog.

I started to write a fake profile for the Gorilla/Cubs fan pictured to the right here, but,  I’ve stolen borrowed bits from kissingsuzykolber.com before, and it wasn’t all that great, so I said fuck that.

Instead, I decided to stick with our recent mantra of “more tits, less words” and post a couple pictures of hot chicks along with the major motherfucking announcement that the Gorillas are now a sponsored team.

Soon we will be known as “The Gashaus Gorillas Presented By Verville Construction.”  Yah, it’s a little wordy, let’s not make a big deal out of it, okay?  Anywho, we’re not sure the good folks at Verville Construction really want their name associated with this sometimes racist (in a totally funny/non-offensive kind of way), sometimes triumphant, sometimes sentimental, sometimes blasphemous, and always fat blog, but we’re very happy to have Chris and his company as part of the organization and would like to take this time to say that the opinions and tasteless jokes expressed in this blog in no way reflect those of Verville Construction.

Summer league starts June 3rd (ish).  See ya then.

Time To Shine The Dancin' Shoes -or- "Freebird!"

The Gorillas are enjoying a little down time while we wait on the arc to be built and the fucking rain to stop. I believe at this point the summer league will start sometime in mid-October, so check with us then and we'll get you the schedule.

So for a little team-bonding and a good cause we're gonna drag our chics out to support fellow Gorilla JWar as he plays a little gig at the Duck Inn on May 23rd. I know what you're thinking, and yes, that is the day after my birthday. And yes, it is okay to give me gifts on the 23rd.

So anyway, get a babysitter and rent a tux. It's time for the Gorillas to paint the town red.

(click image to view larger)

Celebrity Death O' The Week -or- JJ Fad Mourns

Sad news this weekend. NBA and Child Support legend Shawn Kemp croaked. I'm sure his 73 kids and Gary Payton are very upset. Also, apparently he was in politics too. Who knew?

In other news, the Gorillas will vie for a champeenship Tuesday night when they play a bunch of fagalas called "Turn Two" at 8 & 9. We have to win at least one to keep the trophey all to ourselves, so we should, you know, do that.

Update (11:45): Apparently I was mistaken, it wasn't Shawn Kemp that died. It was a footballer, David Michael Kemp. My bad, and my apologies to Gary Payton.

Update (1:59): Oopsie. I just received word that it was not in fact famed footballer David Michael Kemp that kicked (get it?) the bucket, but instead famed dick head, 2nd bagger and champion of the porn mustache Jeff Kent is not diving for ground balls in heaven now. Reports indicate that he is lying to the Dodgers about dying because it's prohibited in his contract.

Update (3:01): My sincerest apologies to the family of Jeff Kent. According to a nice old lady that identified herself as his mother, Jeff is neither dead nor a dickhead. (She would not, however, answer my inquiries as to weather he has ever hustled out a ground ball.) In response to the call from Mrs. Kent, I have promised to buy some shiny glasses and shave my beard so that I look like a traffic cop, just like her boy. I've also fired the Gashaus Gorilla Softball Blog's fact checker, a chimpanzee named Earl. Sure, it will be a lot less fun around here with me being the only one throwing my own feces, but mistakes like that can't be tolerated. Earl will be put down humanely (using last year's team bat) right after he finishes picking the bugs out of my back hair.

Update (3:20): Okay, it turns out our report of Jeff Kent dying yesterday was way off. Instead of Jeff Kent it was Jack Kent Cooke, and instead of yesterday it was in 1997. Boy, Earl sure fucked that one up. I'll make sure he signs out an apology to Mr. Cooke's lovely daughter before I leave him to die on the side of the road like the filthy, non-Google using animal he is.

Celebrity Death Of The Week -or- Pig Fever Claims Another Victim

Thank you for being a friend.

Traveled down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, your a pal and a confidant.

And if you through a party...

Invited everyone you ever knew.

You would see, the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say,

Thank you for being a friend.

Hope Springs Eternal -or- Leave Your Hat On

The Gorillas had a tough year last year – breaking a string of several league championships and struggling to consistently bring enough bier for me to drink. So it was a goal this year to get off to a good start.  By “good start” I mean “not being on the bad side of blowouts and no major injuries.”

Thanks, in part, to the absence of BK and Beans, we’ve been pretty successful thus far.  Lord knows if those two pansies had played all six games this spring we’d at least have a pulled butt muscle and a sprained shin on our records. 

But by some miracle, we are injury free and 6-1 this young year.  Plus, we’ve only knocked one guy the fuck out and made 407 throwing errors.  So we got that going for us.

Anywho, below are the up-to-date standings.  We’re not gonna wear ties, but if we take care of business the next two games we can turn this fucker around.

Oh yah, I’m gonna order hats early next week.  Should we put the whole logo on them?  Should we go with something else?  Should we not ask you because you don’t give two shits?  Put your opinion in the comments or e-mail me and let me know if you want a hat, and what you think should be on them.

Game Day Live (On Tape) Blog -or- Grabbing At Straws

We're kinda looking for a new direction here at the official blog of the Gashaus Gorillas, so we're gonna be trying some out new brilliant ideas. Here's one that is at least new. Every week a host of e-mails get bandied about, and it's usually some of our best work. We're gonna try to sum-up those e-mails and throw 'em up here with a picture or two. It will likely suck, but we're bored today anyway, so what the fuck. Feel free to chime in in the comments.
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-- B reports that Ronnie B will be at tonight's game, speculates about Beans missing due to another great, great granparents death and BK missing due to some pussy injury/not being a good team-mate.

-- D is in, but praying for rain because it's gonna be colder than shit. Beans can't think of a good excuse, so he's in. BK shocks the world and says he can't play.

-- Discussion on JT bringing a fire pit. Upside: heat, ambiance, s'mores (marhmallow makes a good substitue for pine-tar!) Downside: legality, logistics, ghost stories. In the end JT decides to nix the idea. Too bad, he woulda batted lead-off if he pulled it off.

-- D is really concerned about the cold. Wants someone to pull a Bull Durham and turn on the sprinklers. Wonders if pissing himself would keep him warm.

--Tributes tonight: D wants to pitch to honor Mark Fidrych. B wants to gang rape a hooker to honor Maryland Chambers. Jeff plans to strike out to honor Harry K. D also divulges that his wife hates it when he wears a big bird costume to bed.

-- B prank calls D at work. Leaves message for him to call Mark DeByrd.

...more to come....