Celebrity Death O' The Week. -or- So Long, Lord Byron! We Hardly Knew Ye!

One day, long from now, you will look back on today fondly. It is the day that you read the first of a new series on the Gashaus Gorillas blog: Celebrity Death O' The Week. Exciting isn't it? I know. Anyway, here it is. Today: "Lord" Byron Nelson. Next week: Terrel Owens! (we hope)

No, we are not celebrating the death, er, life of the famous poet Lord George Byron, writer of Don Juan, and all around crazy cat who was once described as "mad, bad, and dangerous to know." (We would flat out love to be described that way.)

We are talking about Byron Nelson. Bad-ass golfer, and namesake of a big golf tourney thingy they hold in Dallas every year. (Some guy named Brett Wetterich won it this year, so we guess it's not as big a deal as it was back when guys named Ernie, Tiger, Lefty, Vijay, and Sergio were winning it.)

Byron is well known for having won eleven tourneys in a row (Tiger who?) and18 total... in 1945 alone! There was a little thing we like to call World War Two going on that year, so, we dunno, maybe a lot of golfers were storming Omaha beach at the time. But that's still pretty damn impressive. He also won 5 majors, including the Masters and PGA Championship both twice.

Mr. Nelson was born in 1912, around the time the Mayflower landed*. He died this Tuesday past (Sept. 26th) at the ripe young age of 94. He had a pretty good run. He is survived by his wife of 20 years, Peggy. That means that Byron, sly dog that he was, married this chick when he was 74! Nice.

We have very little hope that we will live to see74, but if we do, we are so getting married.

Here's to you, Lord Byron. We totally plan on pouring a drop of malt liquor on the ground, pounding our chest, and pointing to the sky later tonight, yo.

*Could have been The Pinto.. We're no history majors.

Hit Better Drunk, Field Better Sober. -or- Poker, Because You Love Her.

In the world of sports, there have been some very bad teams. The '62 Mets, '72-'73 Sixers, '76 Buccaneers were all historically bad. There have been some very good teams. The '27 Yankees, '85 Bears, and '75-'76 Hoosiers come to mind.

But has there ever been a team that combined skill level and drinking ability quite like the 2006 Gashaus Gorillas? I think not.

Tuesday night was one of those evenings from which dreams are made. Beautiful weather, good softball games, and bier. Lots and lots of bier.

You could tell it would be a special night, when in pre-game nearly all the Gorillas brought a key element for the event. Some had bier and no cooler or ice. Some had bier and ice, but no cooler. Some had bier and an extra cooler. Some had bier and extra ice. One guy had a burrito, while another had some haut sauce. It was magical.

The magic carried over to the field. The first game ended in a run-rule as the Gorillas took advantage of an inexperienced north-paw on the hill, the continued hot hitting of JT (4 for 4, homer, 5 ribbies), and an umpire that was drunk enough to not notice how drunk we were.

An hour off to drink some more did nothing but help as BK joined JT in the hit parade in game two (both going 4 for 4) and we got some key clutch hitting in the last inning. Sure, we may have been a bit too tipsy to catch soft liners or thow guys out from 5 feet in front of the plate, but man were we funny. And we won. Which is nice.

So while our significant others, family doctors, and employers may think otherwise, we have once again proven that excessive drinking is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. Well, there is hope. I hear that's pretty good. And titties. Titties are awesome. Ever had a Wrigleyville Dog? Those things are fucking unreal.

But excessive drinking was the best of things this time. And it will probably be the best of things next Tuesday (8 & 9 for those of you too fucking lazy to scroll down to the scedule.) We'll see if we can get Tdub and Nick's punk asses out of their respective work boots and wheelchairs, get those boys drunk, and turn 'em loose! Wooooooo! Bronx Bombers here we come!!

Which brings me to the 2nd item of bidness. The Gorillas need money. Lots and lots o' money. Okay, not really. But we're gonna hold a fund-raiser anyway. It's not an ambitious affair, just a little poker game and butt smokin' to pass the time. But we'll raise a few bucks for the team and have a good excuse to spend the whole day drinking, eating, and playing cards with our homies. The debate is: when do we have it? We'll be placing a poll on the right side-bar shortly, and we would appreciate your honest(ish) opinion.

You do like bier, food, and cards right? Right? Cuz if you don't, well, that's how we would know you're gay. Don't be the guy wearing that faggy '76 Bucs jersey. Just... don't. K?

Orlando Just Got Fatter -or- Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen..

As we look back on the week that was, we are saddened and appalled by a sub-par, at best, performance this week from the Gorillas. Even as their founder and CEO sat idly by drinking their beers; they tried their best. Well, I guess their best wasn't good enough because they lost. After a day of emails and scurrying to round up a roster of players that didn't suck, a tall task; the Gorillas showed up 11 strong w/ two gimps and a pimp in tow. Gerthy made a much anticipated fall appearance after lengthy contract negotiations and a formal invite.

They say speed kills, but I tell you ladies and gents that's a lie. To use the band that everyone knows but can't name one song, "Gravity Kills". And fellas, we have a LOT of gravity on this team. Although the new found speed on the team was inspiring by the young Swain (no relation), once again the lack of a quality closer in the late innings did us in. I hear Hoffman's available.

In unrelated news, TDub has informed us his "team" has won their first game in Orlando at U-Trip worlds. We attempted to get a quote from the "big guy" but much like Mantle's, we are unable to print it due to FCC regulations. A reliable source, who wished to remane nameless, said he asked directions to the nearest strip club with a pizza buffett upon landing. Again, unconfirmed.

As Hemmingway once passed off as his own (probably stole it from Steve Allen): "Although the sun may set, fear not because tomorrow the sun also rises." Truly inspiring.

G'day, Croc Hunter. We Hardly Knew Ye. -or- Hooray Gorillas!

Let's catch up: Last you heard, the Gashaus Gorillas were making miraculous comebacks and winning league championships. Last you heard, the Gorillas had defied the odds. They'd spit in the face of adversity. They'd laughed in the face of death. They'd cum in the face of some crack-whore for 8 dollars.

Well, times have changed. All that you knew before is wrong. All that you believed has changed. Back then the phrase, "I'm gonna go all stingray on your ass" meant nothing. Hell, most people still thought Pluto was a planet. We personally had no idea that Joey Porter had gone to Colorado State University!

I know. Hard to believe. But those were different times.

Since then, like an aging rock band, some Gorillas have persued individual goals. No less than 10 past or current Gorillas made the final four in the city tournament. No less than 6 of them reached the final four in the USSSA E Mens Nationals finals. No less than 3 of them have spent time in jail - fewer than the Bengals or UK basketball team, but impressive none-the-less.

Okay, maybe times haven't changed that much. The Gorillas are (more or less) back. The fall league has begun. And the chances of the Gorillas not winning that mother fucker are lower than Vince Young's wonderlick score and/or Baumgart's sales-call tally. Sometimes a crafty veteran, such as D-Snydes (6 for 7, hitting for the cycle over 2 games including 2 triples, 6 RBI and a monster bomb.) will carry us. Sometimes a relative newcomer expected to give quality innings and be serviceable at the plate, such as Nick (5 for 7, including 2 triples 6 RBI and a nice play or two off the hill) will do it. It doesn't really matter. At this point, even people whose mothers were kicked in the belly by Rafael Septian during their 3rd tri-mester (Dallas-Ft. Worth... Hello!), monkeys, and very smart dogs understand that it is destiny for your heroes to win another title.

Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor said it all when they said, "That's right. We bad." Or perhaps Steve Irwin did when he said, "Crikey."

Crikey indeed, sir.

Crikey indeed.

2006 Fall League Schedule

Here's your schedule for the fall league, where the Gorillas will be vying for a 4th straight title. All games are on Tuesday nights (of course) and at Kleymeyer #3.

• Sept. 5th, 6&7 p.m. vs. Schmitt Tile
• Sept. 12th, 8&9 p.m. vs. E&I Sports Apparel
• Sept. 19th, 8&9 p.m. vs. The Golden Gloves
• Sept. 26th, 6p.m. vs. E&I Sports apparel and 8p.m. vs. Schmitt Tile
• Oct. 3rd, Rain date
• Oct. 10th, 7p.m. vs. The Golden Gloves and 9pm in Championship game

Check back here for weekly results and stats.