A Year In the Gashaus: Prologue -or- Get Sheen & Costner On The Phone!

At times, the east coast bias of the main stream media, specifically the “World Wide Leader in Sports”, is so blatant that we wonder why anyone west of Dunder-Mifflin’s Scranton office even bothers with it.

There is no more glaring an example than the cold shoulder turned to your beloved Gashaus Gorillas.

We didn’t expect to edge out Jeter, but gezus, we’ve got to be more “now” than some red-headed half a retard snow-boarder!

Here’s a team that has everything the media loves: the adorable characters and idiotic facial hair of the Red Sox; the inept leadership and sexual/racial insensitivity of the Knicks; the aching, aging veterans and foolish spending habits of the Yankees; the dominating play and questionable tactics of the Patriots. It’s the stuff three part fuzzy-focus segments on Sportscenter are made of. Hell, it’s the stuff shitty sports movies are made of! The only films Costner makes that anyone gives a shit about are about sports – why hasn’t he called us?

Go and watch the next goddam movie about Keanu Reeves taking some inner-city cliff-diving team all the way to the AstroDome for a match against Ben Stiller’s karate team made up of high school quarterbacks who have a sensitive side. And if you think it’s more interesting than a typical Taking Care of Business Night, well, we hope Berman steals your leather-clad chick from under your nose at the Holiday Inn bar while you fend off the unwelcome advances of a sweaty & drunken Beano Cook.

Yes, we realize that we’re not the best softball team in the nation, state, or even the city. There are a couple players on our team that we honestly would like to replace with a blender. (Sure, we wouldn’t be any better, but we’d all have a nice frozen daiquiri after the game. And that would be awesome.) We can tell you though, with a reasonable amount of conviction, that we are the coolest. Not in that mamby pamby “good-looking, nice-hair, and fucks-supermodels” kinda way, either. We’re cool in that “hey let me buy you fifteen biers because you’re so fucking money” kinda way. We’re more Barkley than Kobe, more Favre than Brady, and more Rafferty than Herbstreit.

So, in lieu of the MSM getting their heads out of their asses and giving the Gorillas some well-deserved props, we’re gonna spend a little time blowing our own [dick joke] horns.

While we didn’t blog about everything that happened this year, we hit on several high-points. And later this week, we’ll be posting a recap. It will be a must-read for all you Gorilla faithful. We are certain that, eventually, sports illustrated will toss it in a leather bound hard back, and give it away to new subscribers. Which means that at least 8 people will get it in the next three months alone.

Not long after that, we’ll be watching Charlie Sheen wearing a neck tie and playing 3^rd base against a Dick Butkus-led psuedo church team.

See you at the Oscars.