2012: The Year of the Gorilla? -or- Probably Not

Here we are again friends - on the cusp of another Gashaus Gorilla season.  One that promises to be the most challenging year of our illustrious existence.  Family duties coupled with crippling laziness will keep many of you from even playing.  The bases have been moved further away, ensuring that there will not be a single triple recorded for the Gorillas this year.  The desire to keep your job and/or wife will discourage some of you from getting to the field 4 hours before games to start drinking.  The heart and desire that has defined the Gashaus Gorillas for the last 18 years is in question.

Some may say that the Gorillas are in the twilight of our existence.  Some may say the sun set long ago.  I say the time has come to take a long look in the mirror.  Ask yourself, "am I still a Gashaus Gorilla?"  Because being a Gorilla is not your right, it's your duty.

2012 may indeed be our worst year yet.  Or maybe, just maybe, there are some men who call themselves Gashaus Gorillas that, by virtue of heart and desire, will make it our best.



Also, here's the spring schedule. Bring bier.

THE GORILLA IN US ALL

[Note from the editor] One of Jon Thomas' little brothers - Matt, I think - didn't come to the Gorilla Gala last fall. He had a lame excuse. We cut him from the team for it.  What follows is his open letter to the Gorillas which he hopes will convince us to renew his contract.

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A few years back my older brother asked me to fill in for a softball team on a Tuesday night at wesslemans, I reluctantly said yes. Showing up not knowing what I was getting into, obviously I was hesitant to make acquaintances. It wasn't until after the game that a plump man offered me some Crown Royal that I assumed these guys meant business (not forgetting the six fist fights Derrick almost got into during the game). I declined the Crown cause I had just lost my license to a DUI and was only drinking beer that night, after all I did have to drive back across town.

Skip forward a few seasons.....the gorillas had just wrapped up another stellar year of ball, ONE BACKDOOR CHAMPIONSHIP AND ONE OUTRIGHT TITLE!!! Now it was a tough year for some of the veteran gorillas with nagging injuries and just some with terrible overall play. The younger gorillas knew commitments had to be made. I certainly feel like I did my part. Not only had I taken voluntary layoff from my job to better prep for games by showing up at least 3 hours early and drinking beer, I also quit a job, took a 6 dollar an hour pay cut, to go back to my old job so I could make a clutch mid season showdown against dynasucks. I'm not sure if I made a difference in that game but I was there. I purposely missed work on several occasions to come play, I often turned in the lineup and occasionally played well enough to not embarrass us all at once.

Then the end of year gala came around. 300 different dates were brought up about when this should be, the powers that be chose Halloween night. I already had plans, although nothing worth talking about they were still plans set in stone. Maybe I made the wrong choice, maybe I should have been there at the event. But the choices we make define who we are. I made a choice and have spent an entire offseason worrying about the consequences, hoping for another chance. Hoping.

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[Me again.] Now, obviously, we had no intention to actually cut this kid for missing the party. That would be ridiculous, for three reasons: 1) While he can barely catch an easy pop-up, he is one of the few guys we can make play outfield. B) Punishment for missing the Gorilla Gala is obviously missing the Gorilla Gala. And Lastly) How stupid would it be to cut someone who has played for several years just for one missed event?

However...

I don't like the way he didn't mention me at all in this post. He also should have described Ronnie B as a "black" plump man.  Every Gorilla is "plump" so that could have been anyone, but more importantly we need to make sure it's out there that we have minorities on the team.  Helps with government funding.  Most importantly, he kinda comes off as needy.  Like a chic.  So annoying.

So I'll leave it up to a public vote. Please let us know in the comments if we should allow what's-his-name back on the team.  (Next week we'll vote on if the Trix Rabbit gets to eat cereal).

Gorilla Fall Schedule -or- Let's Hope We Have Ten Every Week

We won our 1st two games.

Gorilla Gear

Did I wear my new sweatshirt to work today? YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I DID!

Gorilla Stats -or- Mistakes Are Hambone's Fault

Um, D Has a Big Head

Singers Welcome -or- Best Dressed Team In Town

Early Birds -or- On Our Way To Another Victory

Three hours before game time and 5 gorillas in attendance already.

2nd Test -or- Oh, Fuck Yes

If this shit works well its gonna change the game. Well, at least the blogging game.

Testies -or- Do Not Adjust Your Sets

Test picture.

Gorilla Stats -or- We Always Win The Parking Lot

Gorillas Sign Veteran Outfielder

Please click here for the official press release.

Gorillas Summer 2011 Schedule

Summer Schedule -or- Schedule of Summer

Vote For Bier! -or- Democracy Blows

URGENT MESSAGE FOR ALL GORILLAS AND GORILLAS SUPPORTERS!

You may or may not know that tomorrow is some sort of bullshit “election day.” Yes, I realize that if you are reading this blog, you likely don't vote.

But I disagree! You see, you DO vote... AT THE LIQOUR STORE. And tomorrow, game day, the muthachuckin liquor stores are CLOSED till 6pm. And, seeing as we play at 6pm, the pre-game meeting is @ 5. That's BEFORE the liquor stores close! OMFG!

I will be sending a class three emergency text shortly, so as not to leave any Gorilla unawares. We use the same system as schools do when there’s some Lord Of The Rings nerd shootin’ up the joint for class three emergencies. In class four emergencies we actually rob a liquor store and rape school teachers. Mostly the female ones. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry, it’s only happened like three or four times in all of the years we’ve been playing.

So anyways, yah, you better go get bier tonight.

Sexy Update (Live From "Erection Day"):

Last night, in my never-ending efforts to make sure you I drink enough to be able to deal with life hit bombs, I went to a bier-selling establishment - we'll call it, oh, I dunno, "West Side Liquor" - to buy some bier for today. At said establishment, an employee - we'll call him "Bill" - told me that they will not, in fact, be closed today! He said there's some new law and now they can sell bier on days when I wasn't gonna vote anyway.

So there you go, you have absolutely no excuse to show up without bier tonight. Woohoo!

Spring Gorilla Schedule -or- Softball Makes Me Thirsty

A New Era -or- Manifesto, Motherfucker

Another season is upon us, and the Gorillas are fired up and ready to go mildly interested.

Along with the new season, dawns a new era for your favorite drunken softball team. A new policy has been announced for the manner in which personell and line-up construction is handled. It follows:

For games that start at 6pm, I will be at the field around 5:10ish. For all other games, I will generally be there around 6. I will then begin drinking bier. Jeff & TDub will usually be there around the time I get there. I do not care who else will be there or what time they get there. You are welcome to play from now on if you have ever played for the Gorillas and have not 1) brought a chick to the game and then offered "finger in the butt for a dollar" played catcher & flipped off the pitcher 2) Not paid your part for the league not once, but twice.

When & if you show up, write your name on the line-up card (pictured above-right) in the spot you think you should bat. I don't care if we have 17 or 6 guys. If we do not have enough to play I will continue to sit in my chair and drink bier. If you are not going to be there and are concerned about it, I suppose you could ask someone to go in your stead. Or you could tell someone on the team. Someone other than me, for I will still not care. If you are not sure you want to play for the Gorillas, you could tell someone on the team - someone other than me - so they might invite one of the several people that DO want to play for the Gorillas.

My only concern this year is that you bring bier. I am an alcoholic and it is quite expensive for me to buy bier for me to drink in excess the other 6 days, let alone buy enough for you on Tuesdays.

Lastly, I'd like to thank our sponsor, Verville Construction. We are going to try to raise a little money to buy equipment by selling door knockers that are exact scale sculptures of the main motherfucker at Verville Construction. They are $100 and pictured here.

Thank you, and God Bless America, the Gashaus Gorillas, and our collective balls.

Are We There Yet? -or- Why Are You Reading This?

Well, another Gashaus Gorillas season is (finally) coming to an end.   And it was a (fairly) successful year.  I mean, hell, we won our Spring League.  We wore tight shirts.  We completely abandoned giving a shit about this blog. We saw Jeff’s windshield get broken.  We’re on the brink of (allegedly) winning our Fall League.  Hell, that’s a decent year, right? 

But, we can’t really wrap the thing up till we show our appreciation to our sponsor by getting drunk at their place of business.

 

So THIS Friday night that’s what we’re gonna do.  So if you ever played for the Gorillas… if you ever drank bier with the Gorillas… hell if you’ve ever read this blog (and really, I have no idea why you’re even reading this now) then you are invited.  We’re starting with a $10 poker game @ 6 in which the good folks at Verville Construction have generously decided to match the pot.  After that there will be a virtual smorgasboard of contest in which you could win some cash and the undying love an adoration of a bunch of fat drunk guys. 

It’ll be the perfect ending to the year.

Sorry for the lack of a follow up post after the raucus Tight Shirt Night the Gorillas and their fans enjoyed last week. I've just been so busy trying to buy Michael Jackson funeral tickets on the ebays I just didn't have time! I'll get pics up from said TSN as soon as possible.

Time To Show Some Cleavage -or- Be A Good Gorilla

It’s obviously been a tough week, what with the passing of Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays and, of course, Fred Travalena.  But the Gorillas are a resilient bunch.  And while we pass the time till we can go to Club Royale Wednesday night, where BK will pay tribute to Mr. Travalena by doing the same bit he did on Johnny Carson back in ‘82 -- “Wouldn’t it be wild if Jack Nicholson worked at a gas station? I think it’d go a little like this…” [turns back to crowd and shapes his face with his hands…] –- the Gorillas are gonna do something fun.  And no, we don’t mean what this guy did.  This week IS Tight Shirt Night!  Seriously!

And as if that weren’t huge enough, it’s also the night we’re going to collect items that we will send to our militant/absentee left fielder, who is currently telling stories of three-legged dogs and dick-snippin ducks to some Iraqi kid who can’t understand a word he says.  (Which happens to be the only thing we have in common with that Iraqi kid.)  That’s right, the Sgt. Flemwad care package goes out this week so if you haven’t gotten something to send him yet then do so before tomorrow.  (Call me or Baumgart if you need suggestions.)  We’ll also be taking a picture to send with a card that we can all sign or piss on or something.

So all of you Gorillas (past and present) and all of you  Gorilla Groupies out there, please come out to Iglerock tomorrow and show your support by wearing a shirt way to fucking small.  It’s what master impressionists and vegas head-liner Fred Travalena would want.  It’s what TV pitchman Billy Mays would want.  It’s what hot piece of ass right till the end Farrah Fawcett would want.  But most importantly, it’s what God and I want.